John Morrison's opening intros to every dirt sheet
Hi I'm John Morrison......
22/02/08: ...and I like to squeeze things.
29/02/08: ...and you can bounce a quarter off my abs.
07/03/08: ...and one time I spent the night on a house boat with Joan Rivers.
14/03/08: ...and I drive a hybrid.
21/03/08: ...and I can bench press 400 pounds.
28/03/08: ...and if I had a nickel for everyone at WrestleMania better looking than me, I would have no nickels.
04/04/08: ...and this week, Snoop Dogg offered me $20,000 for my WrestleMania jacket... it wasn't nearly enough.
11/04/08: ...and this year I'm gonna be voting for both Clinton and Obama.
25/04/08: ...and I may look like Tarzan, but I definitely don't hit like Jane.
02/05/08: ...and once after a 15 minute conversation, I convinced Madonna to adopt an English accent.
09/05/08: ...and I don't like Canada... I don't like Maple Syrup, it reminds me of Canada.
16/05/08: ...and they considered casting me in that Iron Man movie, but changed their minds when they realised that I would destroy all the villains, and the movie would only last 15 minutes.
23/05/08: ...and if I was in charge of the war on terror, we would already have won, and gasoline would only cost 50 cents a gallon.
30/05/08: ...and I'm in the process of making a short surrealist autobiographical film about my rise to superstardom.
06/06/08: ...and I once found the meaning of life in a quarter while riding Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland.
13/06/08: ...and I once spent six months in Nepal chanting with Zen Buddhist monks.
20/06/08: ...and I recently learned that marsupials are indigenous to Australia, the only continent in which they're found.
27/06/08: ...and one time I waited backstage at the Point Theatre in Dublin for three weeks just to give Michael Flatley the surprise beating of his lifetime.
04/07/08: ...and the 4th of July is this nation's birthday, which falls under the astrological sign of Cancer, the mother of the Zodiac... which follows that the United States is like the mother of the free world, which is why it's so important that in this country, we all drive hybrids to set a good example.
11/07/08: ...and last Thursday I went surfing naked, while most people would have been arrested for indecent exposure, I was awarded the key to the city of Manhattan Beach.
18/07/08: ...and I think so deep, I eat religion and crap out enlightenment.
25/07/08: ...and my passport photo looks amazing.
01/08/08: ...and the Catholic Church campaigned to have me omitted from the Bible because they were afraid I would outshine Jesus.
05/08/08: ...and People Magazine offered me $15m for pictures of myself as a baby, I passed... John Morrison is not for sale.
08/08/08: ...and last week, when I took my shirt off in Chino, California, the spontanious screaming from all the young ladies in the city registered as a 5.4 on the Richter Scale... the largest earthquake since Northridge... I was there at Northridge too, by the way... I was 12 years old.
15/08/08: ...and if they gave out Olympic gold medals for abdominals, I would have eight.
22/08/08: ...and this week I donated $2300 to Barack Obama... that's the maximum campaign contribution that can come from an individual.
29/08/08: ...and all of Jay-Z's 99 Problems are me.
02/09/08: ...and one time I beat Stephen Hawking at 44 straight games of Parcheesi... and if Carl Sagan was there, I'd have beaten him as well.
05/09/08: ...and one time I climbed Mount Everest just to enjoy a tasty diet soda... because I felt like it... you know with that elevation, Miz, you need to drink quickly because the low pressure decarbonises your soda more quickly than it would at sea level... it's a cool and refreshing brisk place to enjoy a tasty beverage, and I can do that, because I'm John Morrison.
12/09/08: ...and if God had two sons, I would be the better looking one.
19/09/08: ...and if there is ever a Hurricane Morrison, it would be so much more powerful than Ike and Katrina that it would have to evacuate the whole Southern seaboard.
26/09/08: ...and for six months, I thought Nancy Grace was a man... I really couldn't tell.
03/10/08: ...and one time I played a two hour game of Monopoly with Adam West. I won when he landed on Park Place after I'd built two hotels... it was a two hour game, he obviously passed Go.
10/10/08: ...and the reason Chuck Norris stopped making movies is that he was afraid I would show up to his set one day and expose his lack of skill to the world.
17/10/08: ...and I'm so tan, I could be the Pope.
24/10/08: ...and one time I convinced a jack rabbit to eat a ham on rye.
28/10/08: ...and the diamonds on my abs right now are worth enough money to deport each and every illegal alien from this city.
31/10/08: ...and recently a group of people spent $150,000 on wardrobe for me that I'm gonna return later... I'm just stating fact.
07/11/08: ...and the girls all want me because they all get hungry for Peanut Butter and Johnny.
14/11/08: ...and The Marine is the worst movie I've ever seen.
21/11/08: ...and recently President Elect Barack Obama asked me to become his new spiritual advisor... apparently his wife Michelle likes my aura.
28/11/08: ...and Emeril Lagasse recently called me to ask me how I baste my turkey at the Palace of Wisdom... that recipe is top secret.
05/12/08: ...and last night, Britney Spears called me to ask me to get her in shape for her comeback... I'm guessing a lot of Pilates.
12/12/08: ...and the only reason I allow churches to exist is because I don't want people praying at the Palace of Wisdom.
